Link
Link Screeb (1980–2040) is Zelda's husband (and cousin) and the hero of Koridai. He is also I.M. Meen's enemy. Biography Link was born on May 17, 1980 in Hyrule City, Gomalan; he was the illegitimate son of Impa's son Gremer and an unidentified woman who happened to be an illegal immigrant to Hyrule. When Link was still a baby, Hylian law enforcement apprehended his mother in a raid personally overseen by King Harkinian. Upon seeing Link's ugly face, the King decided to drop him down a well; luckily, Gwonam intervened and convinced the King to raise Link as a foster child instead. However, the King soon got tired of caring for Link, and when Hurricane Zelda struck, he abandoned Link and claimed that he'd been lost in the disaster. Winding up in Gamelon, Link somehow survived on his own and eventually entered kindergarten, but his severe mental retardation would prevent him from progressing any further. It also didn't help that he spent most of his time adventuring and fighting; he first saw combat as a toddler in the Hylian Civil War, in which he gained notoriety by single-handedly destroying entire towns. He also made money by participating in cloning experiments, resulting in the creation of forms such as Bizarro Link and Lunk. After failing kindergarten for six years in a row, Link finally dropped out of school and decided to make being a slave warrior his full-time career. In 1991, the King began hiring warriors to attack Ganon and seize his rupees; Link joined these armies and had great success in the so-called Rupee War, but due to his stupidity, he was unable to hold onto any of the money he made in the process. He eventually got tired of living in the slums of Gamelon and started squatting at abandoned buildings in Hyrule City. On a fateful day in early 1993, Link broke into Hyrule Castle just as King Harkinian was moving back in. Vaguely recognizing Link as one of the warriors he sent to rob Ganon, the King decided to let him stay at the castle. Link also met the King's young and beautiful ungrateful daughter Zelda, and saved her many times. However, he failed at getting a kiss because Zelda liked being a jerk to him. He saved Koridai with help from Gwonam later in 1993, but later that same year, he failed to free the King from captivity in Gamelon. This somehow resulted in him being trapped inside Lady Alma's mirror until Zelda broke it. In 2005, Link decided to go back to school and enrolled in Warrior College. He actually managed to graduate, probably because the general didn't want to put up with his ineptitude any longer. From there, he got a job being a YouTube Poop character, and he has been working ever since. Around 2010 or 2011, while the King was away on a quest to make everyone eat his poop, he and Gwonam embarked on a year-long odyssey to eat at every IHOP in the universe. He impregnated Zelda in 2012, and she gave birth to his son Harry Harkinian later that year. In 2014, Link hired Miles Edgeworth to sue the King for more money. Knowing he would never get a fair trial in Hyrule, Link acquired American citizenship so he could file the lawsuit from California. However, Link and the King were soon distracted by more pressing matters when the Form Wars broke out later that year. In the early months of the conflict, Link became a general in the "pure" army and did battle with many forms, such as Spink and I.M. Bison. In 2015, Link decided to take advantage of his American citizenship by creating a new political party and launching a campaign for the presidency. Later Life Main Article: Evil Link Personality Link often likes raiding people's houses and often likes either trying to kiss Zelda or grabbing his stuff for a journey. Link's stupidity makes him incredibly gullible; for example, he once joined Ganon just because Ganon told him, with no proof whatsoever, that he was Ganon's son. Another time, he joined Ganon because Ganon claimed that the whole universe was going to die if he didn't. He once tried to put on a strike, and succeeded, but later realized he got ripped off. He is also a devoted Brony and has a Rainbow Dash mask, which he made himself. Abilities Link is much more durable than most elves, probably due to his partial Weegee ancestry. Due to a genetic mutation, he was born with his brain in his torso instead of his head, which is convenient considering the frequency with which he gets decapitated. He also has an extremely high metabolism—explaining how he was able to lose weight so quickly after taking a direct hit from the Dinner Blaster—and can consume and digest almost anything. He even ate his own head once (Don't ask me how that's possible). He is capable of Falcon Punching, but is unskilled at it, and the King has survived being Falcon Punched by him at least twice. Relations with Other Characters King Harkinian Link's attitudes regarding King Harkinian vary wildly. Sometimes he treats the King with total reverence and loyalty, going so far as to desire him sexually. On other occasions, however, he viciously insults the King or physically assaults him for little to no reason, usually by throwing things at him. Zelda Link has been trying to seduce Zelda since they first met in 1993, but had little success for many years. At one point, he got so frustrated at this that he decided to become a Nazi, although he returned to normal after finding out that Ganon was Jewish. Link finally won Zelda over for good during the events of The Link and King Show finale, and they got married not long afterward. Duke Onkled For some reason, Link is somewhat fond of Duke Onkled, and he once tried to retrieve dinner for the King to stop him from beating Duke Onkled up. Unfortunately for the Duke, Link happened to be stuck in prison and unable to help when the King was trying to find a sexual partner for him. Criminal Record Link has gotten a lot of stuff on his criminal record, and it has gotten worse ever since the Hylian Civil War. *Breaking and entering. *Drug abuse (mainly weed, hemp, and octoroks) *Being gay. *Breaking dress codes. *Stabbing innocent people with his sword. *Stealing money. *Insulting the King's weight. *Destroying the Coney Island Disco Palace. *Crushing Yoshkins to death. Religious Views Until around 2010, Link was basically an atheist and never really cared about religion. After he fatally injured Yoshkins, he was held prisoner in Dinosaur World and charged with manslaughter. Link only got out of a prison sentence by promising to reform, so he converted to Christianity. At first, he only did this to make himself look good until he could get back to Hyrule, but then he started to believe its teachings. Before long, he was fasting "for Jesus", much to King Harkinian's dismay. More importantly, he tried to keep his bisexual urges under control and finally married Zelda. Status as Mah Boi In October 1993, King Harkinian promoted Link to being "Mah Boi". This meant he had tenure as a warrior and a video game character. However, he began to abuse his power (e.g., punching the king in the dong) and he was finally demoted to scrub monkey third class in 2011. According to rumor, he might have been "Mah Boi" as early as 1989, although that may have actually been Bizarro Link. Face Ganon thought Link's face was the greatest in Gomalan, but he wanted to make Link's face even better, in return for Link's assistance for seizing Koridai. In reality, Link has an ugly face. For unknown reasons, his face also tends to become distorted when certain things like fairies and birds are near. Quotes *"Gee, it sure is boring around here." *"I just wonder what Ganon's up to." *"Great! I'll grab my stuff!" *"What are all those heads?" *"I guess I better get going." *"Let's go find Zelda!" *"Luckily I brought my Smart Sword. It doesn't hurt anyone friendly." *"That old Ganon is no match for the king." *"Oh boy! I'm so hungry, I could eat an octorok!" *"Great! I can't wait to bomb some dodongoes!" *"What happened?" *"I can't wait to bomb Dongo!" *"Dong!" *"Luckily I brought my Smart Sword. It doesn't hurt anyone friendly. In fact, it makes them fat!" *"Gee, I'm so bored too." *"Hey! Wanna stop your f--king whining and think about something besides food for once, you fat sack of royal crap?" *"You're so sad and pathetic. I hope you die of a heart attack." *"F--k a duck!" 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